Why A Lotus
Have you ever wondered why I chose a lotus flower for my logo? It’s not because it’s just a cool, sorta zen flower. It’s because it represents me. And this explanation may be longer then you expected. I promise it’s worth reading.
I had a 14 year chronic illness. It had progressed so bad over the last 10 years, I was almost entirely home bound. I had chronic depression, that was much worse then I was willing to admit. I had anxiety so bad, I would literally burst into tears walking into a bible study or church event. It should have been a place to heal. But, it made everything that hurt in me, hurt that much deeper. I was so upset over my inability to hold back the tears, I eventually stopped going. I stoped going anywhere. I was a recluse, plain and simple. I felt like everyone was certainly thinking I was pure crazy. I had no real friendships.
I had totally lost my identity. I had no idea what made Bekah, Bekah. I didn’t know what I loved, or what brought me joy. To be honest, I didn’t even know what I loathed. It all just melded into a blob of a life. Most days, I wouldn’t even change my clothes. I was awful at self care. I felt like, “who cares, nobody is even going to see me”. Part of this is because my identity had become “Amity and Faith’s mom” and “Chef Brad’s wife”. I felt like that was all people saw when they looked at me, my daughters and husband. Maybe that was because, that was all I was truly proud of? I hated my identity being wrapped up in three other people’s identity. Because I felt invisible and insignificant. I didn’t know how to change. I didn’t even realize it was possible really. Sure, I’d heard of other people changing their life. But why would I be worthy of that kind of change?
There was a time over ten years ago, that I would drink a bottle of wine every night after I put my girls in bed. I can honestly say, I was not an alcoholic. I was trying to find a way to feel something other then depression and anxiety, because the only other thing I felt was numbness. Numb to life, but not numb to my depression, anxiety and the honest feeling of just not feeling like I’d even live much longer. But the wine just made that worse. I believe it also tanked my adrenal glands. There were nights I’d have more then one bottle. And I absolutely hated myself for it.
I asked for help. I went to so many councilors, psychologist, met with people through our church, had people pray for me. I felt like maybe God would hear them, because He certainly wasn’t hearing me. I eventually stopped drinking alcohol very much when I realized it just made the depression so much worse. It wasn’t really a struggle for me to stop. I just decided it wasn’t helping, and gave it up. I didn’t crave it. In fact, for many years even the smell grossed me out.
I still lived my “life” (if you could call it that) but only for my daughters and husband. I had insomnia so bad, for eight years. Most mornings I wouldn’t fall asleep until my daughters got on the bus. Then, I would sleep the whole time they were at school. I really felt like there was no point in being awake. It was easier to just sleep my life away. It didn’t hurt as much, if I’d wake up only in enough time to get my girls off the bus. I’d fix them dinner, get them set for school the next day, and in bed.
My life just spiraled into the biggest disaster (on the inside) I could have ever imagined. To literally not want to be awake and with myself, it had reached an all time low.
I’d tried every Dr. stretching from South Florida to Atlanta and Atlanta to Northern VA. I’d even been to Emory University because of a tumor on my pituitary gland. The specialist simply said, “we just have to watch it to see if it grows, other then that, we can’t do anything”. I’d tried every supplement, every essential oil, I’d had a total hysterectomy including ovaries being removed at 28 years old, but one thing I hadn’t tried? I hadn’t tried Reiki.
I remember the day I laid down on the table like it was yesterday. I experienced living for the first time in so many years, I couldn’t even remember. I experienced breathing. I experienced being ok with my own thoughts. I allowed my awareness to drift into my subconscious. I opened up long enough for me to know what the real issue was I was dealing with. Or at least, what the major issue was that was causing such deep horrific depression. It was in that session that I learned how to let go of this pain. This thing that I had absolutely no control over. This thing that had rocked me to my core, and made me turn outside in just so I didn’t have to see it, and no one else would know it.
Once I faced my greatest sadness, I started learning how to embrace my greatest joy. I worked very hard on myself. I did all the things I encourage my clients to do. I went on an exploration of Bekah. I decided since I had to live with myself forever, I needed to learn to like myself. But first, I had to find out who I even was. I went on this self discovery journey, that I am still on. Truthfully, I think I always will be now. I learned the things that made my heart dance and made me so happy I could squeal like a young girl at a Beatles concert.
I learned so much about myself while healing. I had Reiki sessions every week for quite a while. I decided quite honestly, I’d be better off to go broke getting well, so I could live happy and healthy and build myself back up again then to be sick and miserable forever and most certainly not live much longer then it would take “just to raise my girls”. This is a timeline I placed myself on, unbeknownst to me! It was such a sad reality. I felt my only purpose in life was just getting my girls raised, what a sad existence. To have lived a life just to birth two children and be miserable and try to put a happy face on while they were home, only to cry myself to insomnia almost every night. Certainly not to sleep. You see, somewhere along the line, in my life, I bought into the lie that a woman’s worth is only in being a wife and mother. In reality, my subconscious beliefs had bought into this lie. If you asked me, I’d say that wasn’t a woman’s only worth. The problem is, my body had the prior belief. And while those things are of absolute worth, and SO valuable, they are not MY only worth. Those things are just a part of me. They do not encompass the totality of Bekah.
I realized through Reiki and all of my other “creative healing” that ultimately, if I was going to give my girls anything more then actual birth, I was going to have to find joy myself first. I went on a crusade of sorts. I was determined to find myself, no matter the cost, no matter how crazy I seemed to everyone around me. No matter if people stopped talking to me, disowned me, left me or stopped loving me. No matter if they thought it was just another thing I’d invest in only to give up 2 days in. Even when they surely thought it was “just a phase”.
Ultimately, I realized I had to first, love myself. If I didn’t love myself, what did I have to give that was worth anything? If my teapot was empty, how could I pour into my daughters lives? And what hit home even deeper, was the realization that I was teaching my daughters how to not value themselves, by not valuing myself.
So, you see..this is the story of a lotus.
A lotus is going through absolutely excruciating change under the surface. Where no one can even see. It is fighting it’s way up through the mud and muck. All around it is just darkness, cold and wet, lonely, scary and did I mention, DARKNESS? And then one day, the very tip pokes through the surface of the silt and slime, It sees a glimmer of light reflect on the waters edge. But, struggling so hard, reaching, straining as if life depended on it, stretching to see this golden ray of light, for some image reason that it doesn’t even understand. It’s as if it is looking for oxygen in space. Eventually though, it bursts through. All to now, have to be willing to actually open up. To endure the pain of seeing what’s inside, and being willing for others to see too. All of this to find, after all it went through; after the fight of its life, it can drink in the sunshine. It can be a landing place for the dancing dragonfly. It can be an inspiration to others. It. Can. Bloom. Right where it may be planted, so far, perhaps from where it started. And it can be ALIVE.
This is only part of my story. So what about you? Are you ready to take the biggest leap of your life? Are you willing to throw in all the sadness of yesterday for the hope of a new tomorrow? If I can do it, truly, anyone can. And I’m here to be your cheerleader, your encouragement, and the voice to bring light in what seems like a very dark place. What makes Bekah, Bekah? Relieving suffering. Helping to set others free from the same sadness I experienced for so long. Seeing when they experience this profound healing them self, they no longer need to see me.
In fact, watching one of my clients a couple of weeks ago set off in a beautiful new life, full of joy and actually taking her life back into her own hands, making big choices, and living in her deepest joy now, that is what thrills my soul.
This is me. This, is my heart on a page. This is why, I’m Healing Hearts with Reiki. 💗
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I would like to thank my mom for being my constant cheerleader, and never giving up on me. Without my mom, I’m not sure where I’d be.