When Love Isn’t Enough. Losing a Friend
There are people that come in and out of our lives every day, without much notice. There are those that we know when we meet them, they aren’t the kind of people that will be in our lives forever. And we are totally fine with it. We just appreciate the time we have with them, and let it go when it’s over.
Then, there are people that come into our life that we grow to love, admire, and respect. We believe they will be a part of our life forever. It’s the loss of these relationships that has left me in a place of contemplation.
I had a very dear friend, I had grown to love. She was human, but she was also an angel to me. I respected her deeply, and admired her choices that had brought her to the place she was in life. I took every opportunity to spend time with her, because I just couldn’t get enough of her energy! So vibrant and full of life, love and wonder! I hadn’t really ever met anyone like her before. I remember just feeling like, “this is what it feels like to have a soul connection” almost a sisterhood of sorts. We enjoyed so many of the same things, we could laugh and be goofy, but also serious, when required. I’m so thankful for that gift of her friendship, even if only for a little while.
I’ve been pondering how we got to this place I find us in now. It seems so unbelievable to be honest. It’s a place of broken trust, and betrayal for her. For me, a place of a broken heart. Anyone who really knows me knows, I am a very loving, loyal (to a fault) and trustworthy person. I can not operate in any other capacity. It is who I am to the core of my being. There was a third party that was a mutual acquaintance, and when that third party said some things, there was either a misunderstanding, or somehow a mistruth. I am still left dumbfounded. I have tried all that I can think of, but still, my friend feels her trust was broken. Truth be told, I feel it too. But, not for the same reasons. I feel like the trust I have with my friend goes much deeper then the trust I have in a third party acquaintance. Maybe I’m wrong, but I trust my friend’s word over a third party. Things didn’t turn out that way in this situation. She felt deliberately mistreated, lied to and manipulated. When she asked me about it, I told her the truth, which was that I had no idea what she was even talking about, it was absolutely not true, and it literally had torn my heart apart the past week in trying to go between the two sources to get to the bottom of it. Unfortunately, my friend felt I was not being truthful with her.
My friend felt I was feeling threatened and insecure, and therefore must have done what she was told I did. What she didn’t know was, I was dealing with someone who was threatening me, using very threatening language, and even contacting my friends to attack my credibility. My other friends knew better then to listen, thankfully. Now, this person was a complete stranger. I’d never heard her name. I’d never seen her website. I genuinely had no idea where she was coming from. But, they felt I’d taken their copy. Now, again, I don’t understand this. I found that same information on multiple web searches listing the benefits of a healing modality. None of the sources were their website. I’d felt my character being attacked, again. I quite honestly, would never in a million years take something that wasn’t mine! I’ve gone to great lengths in my life to do the right thing, even when it makes me suffer. I’ve even quit a job, (a couple of times) when I didn’t have another, because I could not in good conscience do the job. It lead to some pretty hard times to be honest. But, I was willing to go through that, if it meant keeping my dignity. And, I would do it again too. So, she was correct. I was feeling threatened. I was feeling insecure. But it had nothing to do with her.
My friend said it was best if we “parted ways”. Through tears, I asked her to reconsider. I told her I would never do what she believed I did. But, that did not change her mind. I kept hoping that time would heal her wounds. Hoping she would remember how I’d shown my love and support of her just weeks before. When she’d had a personal issue arise, I joyfully planned and brought a meal. Not just any meal. I brought a NICE one. I really wanted to spoil her with some amazing food to lift her spirits. I’d also brought all of my Reiki equipment, and felt honored to be part of a Reiki share to send Reiki love to her. I’d seen an Orchid while grocery shopping, and it reminded me of her. So, I just had to buy it and bring it with a card to express my love and wishes for a quick recovery. I’d also made up a rollerball blend of healing oils, hoping to support her. I was hoping, she would remember these outpours of love, and really ask if she believed I was capable of doing what she thought I’d done. Unfortunately, time did not heal this wound. In fact, it seemed to only make it worse. I’d spoken with the third party, which said they never said those things my friend thought I’d said. They also said they would contact her to clarify. I’m not sure if that happened or not. What I am sure of, is that I’m left without my friend, and THAT SUCKS!
When you’ve done all you can do, how do you let that ever be enough? I’ve written letter upon letter trying to clear things up. But each time, I get this little voice telling me it was written for me. It was written so I could release the pain and hurt surrounding it, but that it would do more harm then good to send it. I’ve sat here many nights wishing I could gather the courage to go to her house, but knowing that would probably push her beyond her comfort limit right now.
I’ve been feeling like my heart is broken for a while. I’ve missed her friendship deeply. I’ve tried to understand how someone that is honest even when it hurts, could loose a friend over dishonesty. It’s heartbreaking. In a world that most people would step on someone else just to get ahead, I can see why she would believe this lie. The only thing I can’t see, is that holding that up against my character and all she knows about me, how the lie won.
How do I correct my mistakes so that they don’t happen again? This is pretty darn hard, when I don’t even know what I could do differently. I keep searching for the lesson here, because this is a lesson I am not interested in reliving. But, sometimes, I’m convinced; we can do all the right things for all the right reasons and still come out loosing. Sometimes, my brain starts to try to tell me if I’d just admitted to saying what she was tol (which would’ve been a lie) then she’d eventually forgive me. But, by my refusing to admit I’d done something I didn’t do, she took that as another lie, for which she couldn’t forgive. And, you know what? I don’t blame her! If there is one thing in this world that I can not stand, it’s a lier. I quite honestly loose my sh*t over people lying to me. I think that’s something I have to explore more.
Moving forward though, that’s the hard part. I’ve been doing a lot of self reflection on letting go. It’s so much easier for me to let go of things, and stuff then it is people. Growing up, we moved a lot. I left behind friends I’d never see or talk to again. Remember, I grew up before the internet was a thing. I think this is partly why people matter so much more to me., and why I value relationships so highly. It’s because I’ve experienced a lot of loss surrounding relationships.
I’ve been praying a lot about letting go. I’ve been meditating on it. I’ve been doing so much to help my heart heal, but the fact remains, it hurts. Sometimes life is hard like that. Sometimes the good guys don’t win. Sometimes our hearts are left in pieces, But, I really believe it’s what we do with those pieces that will bring us up to another level in our life. Maybe that is what was needed for me to become who I’m meant to be. Maybe that is the actual lesson here. Maybe there’s still more to come, and this chapter isn’t finished. I’d like to believe that is true.
How have you worked through the loss of a relationship you cherished?
From my heart to yours,
“Goodness is about character – integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.” -Dennis Prager