The Illusion of Control
In that moment, I felt it all falling apart around me. This belief that somehow I could love someone enough to never loose them. A belief, I could be a good enough friend, that’s word was always enough. I remember feeling I was spiraling downward, as those words came across the phone, “you go your way, and I’ll go mine”. How could this be happening? How could something so insignificant change one of the most significant relationships in my life? I had carefully planned and orchestrated so as to avoid this exact situation. And yet, here we were. Or, at least, here I was. Her? Oh, she was already gone. She’d made up her mind before ever asking or talking to me about this misunderstanding. I didn’t realize it at the time. But this would be yet again, another lesson my mentor would teach me. The lesson of surrender.
I went through many months of asking myself how I could have done things differently; to achieve what I most wanted. (This relationship to be healthy) I analyzed, criticized, cried and searched. I searched for reason, meaning, and purpose. I went to multiple people seeking advice, seeking any insight that perhaps not all was lost.
I refused to believe that you could do everything “right” and still end up on the loosing side.
Eventually, I had come to where I thought was a place of healing. I thought I’d moved past it. I thought I’d been brave enough to just step beyond the pain, and be strong again. That’s when I had to be at an event and see her. I had to see this beautiful person. Who I so admired, and so looked up to. Not even be phased by the lack of relationship over the past three months. It broke me. It made me feel so insignificant. It made me question my own abilities. It made me question if I’d actually learned anything at all. It made me look, once again, with a negative judging eye at myself. And wonder, what I should have done differently?
It’s been three months now. And, I can say that I’ve actually realized the most important lesson she taught me. It through this pain. Ultimately, I could have done everything right, and it still not be what another person needed. I could have made mistakes and that person could freely forgive, and move forward. Or, they could hold my feet to the flames. And then I realized, I’d been holding my own feet to the flames. I’d been blaming myself for not seeing this coming a mile away. I’d been rearranging and replaying the conversation so many times, wondering if I could have said anything different to have the outcome I longed for. The answer though? Not the one I wanted.
Surrender control. I have no control of another persons feelings, expectations, reactions, etc. Anymore then I have control over the clouds in the sky. Because they are coming at it with their life experience, which has shaped them. It has defined their judgements. It has perhaps hardened them. And, ultimately if I believe what I say I do….and I do not lie. I believe that everything has a time and a purpose under Heaven. A time to sow, a time to reap. A time to live, and a time to die. And I think the dying process had gotten me….. once again. This allowing of a relationship to wilt under the setting sun of my dreams. And to be blown away by the wind of disappointment. I was trying desperately to hold onto that withered up, lifeless, wilted relationship. Because I kept believing that love would be enough.
I received some Devine healing today, in the form of healing another person. In talking with them about how surrender is really the only control we have. I realized, I had to take my own advice. I had to allow this wilted dream to fly away in the wind of disappointment. Knowing that quite possibly, that relationship was meant only for this short period of life. A period long enough to teach me the lessons I’ve learned. And like all things, must eventually end. I experienced extreme release, something I can’t quite put into words. But I can tell you this. I’ve let myself out of the prison of perfectionism, and self disappointment. All, for not seeing this before it happened, to avoid it. I let myself, and my heart, accept that it’s ok to have someone in your life,only for a season. That makes no one a failure. It just made me the student, and her the teacher, one last time.
I don’t pretend to have figured out all the great mysteries of life. But I have figured out this mystery of myself. I am so much happier, and able to live the love in my heart, and BE the light to others, when I finally lay down my control. And when I surrender it all to love.
From my heart to yours.